i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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