I can't watch pbs sober anymore
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize