remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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