i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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