We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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