i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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