proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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