Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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