I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
