She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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