My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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