I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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