i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
