Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
