the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
