Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
