I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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