she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
