Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
