We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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