I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
