Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
