he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
