Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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