Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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