I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
