There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
