I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
