I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize