Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Are we still banned from the library?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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