i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My ATM looks so different sober.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
