i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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