his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
