Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
