During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
