There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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