You smell like stripper and shame
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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