just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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