DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
