mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
