I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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