Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
