I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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