I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
