Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
