Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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