you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
