Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
