i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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