Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize