maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
