If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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