Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Randomize
