I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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