I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
