Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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