addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
