I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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