I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
These tits shall not be calmed
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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