If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
