I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
