Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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