It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
