I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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