saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
