Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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