sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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