My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
