gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
