my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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